Hang Loose fanzine 1990

Yet another of my short-lived and totally unsuccessful attempts to enter the lo-fi world of fanzine culture armed only with a marker pen, a friendly typist at work and the Dept Of Lies trusty photocopier. If I could be arsed scanning it in, I would but I can't so here are a few slected bits n' bobs from issue 2

Fashion Forecast Winter 90-91

2nd hand socks
slip-on undies
putting your hair in a bun (dig at deee-lite? can't remember)
prussian aristocrat muzzies (weatherall got the idea here)
sad cardys with maps of africa on the back (Harvey got the idea here)
sumo wrestler barnets (dee-lite again?)
dressing like a hassidic jew
violet, orange and yellow checked trews (rupert got the idea here)
fireman helmets
balloon jeans and smoothy belts
bukta trackies
Boys Brigade hats
cut-down pacamacs
digital watches that bleep
suede socks
platform slippers
adidas tattoos on your buttocks
bullet belts
camouflage staffs
double-breasted t-shirts
george best yeti beards
jummy sale parkas with no arms
skiddy kilts
'i think the poll tax is a rather good idea actually' t-shirts
CID raincoats
afro wigs

Pensionari

It's the youth cult that's sweeping the nation. Yes all across Britain kids are copying the dress sense of their grandparents for that authentic OAP look which the fashion press have Christened 'Pensionari' - out have gone hooded jeans and baggy shoes, in have come brown check suits, trilbys, scuffed hobnails and starched vests. 'Pensionari' don't drive around in flash cars, they gather at bus stops and moan about the poll tax, kids today, bus fares etc. Their favourite meeting places are post offices, cafes, poll tax demonstrations and funerals. They are vociferous and they know their rights. Top accessories include war medals, tartan shopping trollies, lethal weapon walking sticks and massive bags full of dog food, chicory coffee, butterscotch toffees, sticks of rhubarb and pig's bladders. Don't ever fuck with the pensionari or you'll get a herring slapped in your face sharpish!

No Guru, No Method, No Teacher - Hang Loose Playlist

reasons to be cheerful pt 3 - ian dury
it's her factory - gang of four
it's a love thing - the whispers
soul bongo - little stevie
scorpio - grandmaster flash
cloud 9 - the temptations
staisfaction guaranteed - harold melvin and the bluenotes
let the world wait for you - archie bell and the drells
cast a spell - the turnpikes
look through my eyes - rufus and chaka khan
lions after slumber - scritti politti
one trick pony - paul simon
rumours - hot chocolate
undercover - rolling stones
pyjamarama - roxy music
black dahlia - david toop
interference - model 500
amor amor - gipsy kings
bewildered - james brown
walk on into my heart - bobbie smith
smokey - funkadelic
theme from barney miller
i'm down - the beatles
what can i do - boz scaggs
mardi gras - lonnie liston smith
talkin all that jazz - stetsasonic
transmitting live from mars - de la soul
oasis - happy mondays
funeral pyre - the jam
dazed and confused - led zepellin

stick it all in, fuck off the purists, checkpoint charlie is no more! (ah the idealism of youth)

Are You Ready For The Crazy Sound Of Ulster?

Put on your balaclava and hijack the nearest taxi cos Ulster Beat is with us. Every day down at the docks you can see the fun-loving gangs of happy-go-lucky paramilitaries waxing their kalashnikovs in readiness for a day of surfin' and knee-cappin.' Here are some of Ulsterbeat's top records:

Surfin' UDA
Two Guns For Every Boy
Good Bomb Vibrations
When I Grow Up To Be A Terrorist

Five New Music Crazes For 1991

Indie-Bhangra - groups such as The Wedding Present, Ned's Atomic Dustbin and The Pixies will crossover/sell out by fusing their guitar frenzied rock with Indian sitars and bongos to create a totally poo musical hybrid - Top Tune : I'm Into Footy Me by Ravi Shankar feat Liu Reed and The Fall

Coma Pulse Music - New Age landscapes for people who enjoy listening to seaweed. Burnt out tossers from 1973 into synthesisers will concoct an ethereal mood music which combines life support system noises and mating dolphins - Top Tune : Cumulus Rex by Brian Eno feat a shoal of migrating salmon (think this was aimed at The Orb)

Orkney Beat - A new dance sound created when top house DJs holiday in the Orkneys and bring back the eclectic happy-go-lucky spirit of Highland Scotland to London clubs - Top Record : Straight Outa Peebles by MC Mungo McTavish feat Paul Oakenfold

Thrashrap - A musical collision of thrash metal and hip hop performed by long haired mid-west metal bands in sad trainers and Public Enemy t-shirts. Every band will have a black bass player with dreadlocks and a mad lead singer with skateboard tattoos. Top Tune : Da Bitch Done Dissed Me by Faith No More feat Saddam Husseinski

Pubadelic - Two bit pub bands with 16 year old drummers will buy lots of War LPs and sample rioting Leeds fans to produce a groundbreaking fusion of badly played Bootsy Collins basslines and Sham 69 prole vocals. Top Tune - There's Only One Georgey Clinton by Flowered Up feat Sly Stone.

Clubbed Senseless

The whole world it seems has been convinced into believing that 'clubbing' is the only relevant form of leisure-time in the 90s. Goths, doleys, estate agents, plumbers, actors, peelers, vicars...you name it, they're all participating in the latest crazzy youth phenomenon. Ofcourse back in the early 80s it was a West End clique of veteran trendys who recieved all the glory. Face, i-D and Blue Rondo types formed a mutual appreciation society and advertised their irrelevant lifestyles as some kind of recession-escapist Nirvana.

Then the acid scene dumped these self-important W1 wankers firmly on their arses and democratised the dancefloor Karl Marx stylee. The only problem now being that every Tom, Dick and Barry Grant got in on the act and the bad old days of elistism didn't seem that bad after all. An influx of dodgy indie kids, Sloanes, beer monsters and general bints was bound to cause a snobbish backlash but if we're going to return to Bob Elms types in their Telecom Des Garcons whistles ( I know the banana) supping Thai rice wine and discussing Dada, then I suggest that other avenues of leisuredom be explored. How about fly-fishing, hiking, making balloon animals, sheep farming or simply going to bed at 7.30 with a book a glass of Vimto?

Taking Penalties - How the stars do it

Mark Hughes scissor kicks it
Chris Waddle dummys it
Vinny Jones jumps on it and stabs it
Gazza stuffs it up his shirt and runs into the back of the nets with it
John Barnes runs up, falls down and claims a penalty (and gets it)
Clayton Blackmore rapes it
Peter Beardsley scares it to death
Brian McClair snots all over it
Mo Johnstone buys it a drink and then glasses it

Cherry Faves (local disco-tek's top tunes from 82/83)

african and white - chinca crisis
burn rubber on me - gap band
rescue - echo and the bunnymen
the model - kraftwerk
give it to me baby - rick james
rock the casbah - the clash
messages - omd
not just knee deep - funkadelic
magic's wand - whodini
funkin for jamaica - tom browne