Thursday, 13 November 2008

The Guttersnipe - the worst fanzine of all time

We started The Guttersnipe back in 95(ish - can't really remember the exact date) and by the time we finished doing it circa 99/2000 and began Partizan's on-line zine, we'd done 10 or so issues all of which were massively unsuccesful (do you detect a running theme here?) - however, although some of the content is pretty embarassing to look at over a decade later, there are bits worth digging out for posterity. Issue # 1 featured amongst other things :

*why we hate the british fashion mafia - an attack on the W1 fashionistas that became the blueprint for my book 'Casuals'

*fashion pieces on Kangol & Raggy

* why cosa nostra suck

* why goatees rule

* Dr John's The Night Tripper sleeve notes

* top 10 proper wenches

* retro fashion

* Jazz v rock

* style icons - dizzy gillespie

but there wer elong bits and i cant be arsed typing em out so here are a few bits n' bobs from that issue

New Mod? Old Hat! Old wave of new mod memories

* Swapping your 999 and UK Subs 45s for the Merton Parkas and The Lambrettas

* Wearing your grandad's trilby

* legging sad divvies on Yammy 150s whilst shouting 'get the rockers!'

* wishing you'd never sold your northern soul collection

* pretending to have been at Scarborough when it kicked off

* doing the 'Green Onions' dance

* trying to do a 'Jimmy' up an alley and failing miserably

* the Jam are punks/mods arguments

* talking in a ropey Cockney accent

* pretending to be on 'blues'

* robbing thousands of wing mirrors

* not knowing who The Who were


Backside - creepy Satanist, Edgar D. Evil continues to brainwash the Close's youth into painting occult symbols onto the sides of Farmer McMoron's sheep. Jimmy Video has taken his estranged wife hostage and is demanding three million pounds, a quid's worth of Red Leicester, two Cadbury's Cream Eggs and a plane to Douglas, Isle Of Man as a ransome. Militant black muslim community leader, Mustafa Al-Anhansen is planning a protest march to complain about the opening of a non Halal butchers on the parade. Aristocratic couple, Piers and Melinda Forbes-Cholmondeley have returned from their ski-ing holiday to find a tribe of new age travellers squatting in their palatial three bedroom semi. Union leader and All England Gay Paragliding champion, Dave Anus has been ostracised by the Residents Association after refusing chairman, Major Crabtree's advances. Quiet newcomer, Gordon Evans is secretly turning his garage into a DIY sulphate factory. The ghosts of Roman Legionnaires are still appearing at No 15.

Bellenders - Pickled turnip stall proprieter, Ernie Mash has gone gone to the toilet. Doreen Eel is minding his stall till he comes back. Alfie Pie has nipped to the bookies. Irene Whelk's laundry has gone missing. Elsie and Ronny Sausage have been arrested following a raid on their lock up. 30,000 quid's worth of counterfeit Queen Mothers have been seized. Bert Saveloy has been elected Grimford's first deaf, diabetic Communist mayor.

Cosynation Street - Teddy Boys have been causing trouble in the Ranger's Rover again. Brassy landlady, Maggie Front is having an affair with handsome cellar man, Sid Stout but there's competition from Miss Muckdale 1963, Debby Cleavage. Harold Wilson is due to pay a visit to the area and a street party to celbrate VE Day has been organised by old soldier, Bill Shrapnel. The General Strike has brought chaos to Muckdale but the locals are cheerily doing their utmost to carry on regardless. Queen Victoria's jubilee celebrations are being planned and Oliver Cromwell's Parliamentary army has been spotted five miles away.

Ozmates - Bobby's surfboard has held up the local Post Office. Noelene and Clive have eloped to New Zealand. Bowser has been pining for then, keeping shift worker Ray awake all night. Teresa's trombone lessons are causing big headaches for Don and Babs. Frank's business venture has come unstuck and Jamie's bike has appendicitis.


Speed Up - Betty Moorer
Home Of The Whale - Massive Attack
Agony Of Defeet - Parliament
Jacob St 7am - Sabres Of Paradise
Yahoo - Happy Mondays
See The Day - Ann Consuelo
Persons Unknown - Poison Girls
Genetix - The Stranglers
Baby Sinister - Slave
For Your Love - Yardbirds
Black Spade - Jason Ryder Sound
Bunker Soldiers - OMD
Mr Moon - Jamiroquai
Securicor - Crass
Wheel Me Out - Was Not Was
Vibe Da Joint - Kaliphz
Ivo - Cocteau Twins
Ten Feet Tall - XTC
Seen & Not Seen - Talking Heads
q-Mart - 808 State
Going For The One - Yes
USSR - Mr Fingers
Hellbent On Rockin' - The Shakin Pyramids

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